13 ½ months. 411 days.
The last time I logged onto Facebook was April 24, 2013. I was about to post a photo of some new products I loved when a knock at my door changed everything. I “went down the rabbit hole” as Orange is the New Black’s Piper Kerman perfectly coined it – but this was far different from Piper’s (aka Chapman’s) cushy, minimum security Federal Prison.
I went to jail.
Los Angeles County’s Century Regional Detention Facility – aka CRDF or Lynwood (named after the city it inhabits) – to be exact. No sons, no sunlight, no fresh air, no family, no friends, no salads. Again, no sons. Nothing.
How did I end up in jail for over a year? There’s been some gossip and hyperbole but here it is from me:
- I bounced checks
- I didn’t pay bills
- I created a helluva lot of financial messes for myself and others – most of whom I love dearly
It took a lot for me to be able to admit this. It took the better part – though I don’t know HOW I can call any of it “better” — of my 13+ months away to come to terms with who I was.
As they say, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” and despite my best efforts, I was caught in a nightmare of my own making for years. I thought I could fix it all eventually, but I only spiraled further and further…and further…out of control.
It was just plain ol’ bad, bad, bad. And it got worse as I hit rock bottom and took those that mean the most in my life with me.
I came “home” last Monday – June 9, 2014. It’s been a dreamlike, bizarre ten days. Adjusting back to reality has been interesting, and I have a whole lot to do personally, professionally, internally. I’m going to start by apologizing.
But, honestly, sorry isn’t enough at all.
I’ve always been a big evangelist of actions meaning more than words, so for me to say, “I’m sorry” is ironic and oh-so-meaningless.
So what I will do is spend my next days / weeks / months / years proving to all who believed in me, supported me and who continued to love me while I was “away” that I am worthy, will recover, will repay my real and emotional debts and will be the Lolita Carrico you thought you knew. I’ll also prove it to the haters — of whom there are many, many, many — and rightfully so.
I know it’ll take time – there won’t be anymore quick fixes and fast spin from me. I know it’ll be a long while before I rebuild the friendship, trust and love. I’m in this for the long haul for me, for my family and for my community. Most of all above anything else, for my incredible, beautiful, amazing, kind and unconditionally loving sons who suffered the most through all of this. I put them through hell and I will forever regret what I did to them and I will strive to make up for my mistakes as a mother and mentor to them.
So, it’s been a while. To those I haven’t been in touch with for the past year, I’ve missed you. For those I have been in touch with, I cherish your continuing devotion and faith in me. I will show you that your faith was not misplaced.